My Favorite Pineapple Express Quotes and Dialouge

I love Pineapple Express, in my opinion it is undeniably the best “Stoner Movie” ever . James Franco as Saul is truly unique, his chemistry with Seth Rogen is the perfect combustion. Craig Robinson is absolutely hilarious as Matheson, and Danny Mcbride steals the show as Red.  I can still recall and monologue my favorite scenes, most of which have one or more of the four I mentioned. Here is the first my Favorite Quotes and Dialogue. If you have any in particular that is your favorite and isn’t on the list feel free to leave it in the comment section.

FAVORITE QUOTES AND DIALOGUE OF PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

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Warning these quotes contain vulgar language!!!

Underground Bunker in Prologue

 

1. Scientist: Private Miller, you’ve been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We’re going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?

Private Miller: Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter… melting on top of a big-ol’ pile of flapjacks(thinks to himself)… yeah.

2. Private Miller: [2 men in full bodied suits come to take him away] Hell-ooo. Bleep blorp bleep… can you guys understand me?

3.Private Miller: Dude, what happened to your eye?

School

 

1. Mr. Edwards: Clark’s a great guy, man. He’s totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He’s great; he’s a wonderful lab partner, so… It’s gonna be cool, he’ll keep one eye on her.
Dale Denton: Why don’t you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick?
Mr. Edwards: I’m a teacher, okay? You can’t talk to me like that, guy.
Dale Denton: I’m not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard.

Saul’s House

 

 1. Saul: I just got a shipment of the dopest dope I’ve ever smoked. Hands down, dopest dope I’ve ever smoked!

2. Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had – and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked – this would be the shit that they birthed.                                                                      
Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It’s like… God’s vagina!
Dale Denton: Uhhh!
Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?
Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!
Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?
Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That’s amazing! It’s beautiful!
Saul: you can shove it anywhere you like!
Dale Denton: What’s it called?
Saul: Pineapple Express.

3. Saul: Oh, sick! You threw up on my printer!
Dale Denton: I did.
Saul: You break it?
Dale Denton: I hope not.
Dale Denton: He fucking killed him!
Saul: Who killed who?
Dale Denton: A cop, a lady, and a guy!
Saul: A cop, a lady, and a guy, man? That’s like a massacre. You saw it?
Dale Denton: No, it was just a guy!
Saul: What happened to the lady?

4. Saul: Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man.
Dale Denton: It’s really that rare?
Saul: It’s like the rarest. It’s almost a shame to smoke it. It’s like… killin’ a unicorn… with, like, a bomb…

In the Woods

 

1. Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted’s henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?
Saul: Um… heat-seeking missiles… bloodhounds… and foxes… barracudas…
Dale Denton: I’m just – I’m kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It’s weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Not a compliment.

2. Saul: There’s a fly in the ointment, shits hittin’ the fan, the lion will speak!

3. [Dale has just smashed his phone after Saul convinced him that they can be traced, Saul then throws his cell phone into the woods ]Dale Denton: Whoa! What the fuck was that?
Saul: I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.
Dale Denton: What tree?
Saul: That one.
Dale Denton: Why didn’t you smash it on a rock like a normal person like I did?
Saul: I don’t know! How often does somebody smash things? I’m rusty, fuck.

4. Saul: Let’s roll, man! I’m done with the woods! Let’s go! C’mon, man, let’s get the fuck outta here!
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay… Uhh let’s go… No… It’s not working… the battery’s dead.
Saul: Wait…! What do you mean, it’s dead?
Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery’s dead. The battery’s dead!
Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery’s dead?
Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It’s deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-…
Saul: Aw, man… Talk radio?
Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.

Red’s House

 

1. Red:What’s up playas, I’ve been up here, tryin’ to get a motherfuckin’ scholarship! Chiilin…What’s up with the clothes?Saul Oh aoh..We were camping.

Dale Denton: Camping?

Saul: Yeah

Dale Denton:Yeah.. Is your lip okay man?

Saul: You’ve been Crying?

Red: Uhm..uhh. my lip ..pfftt.. It’s a cold sore.  I’ve never had one before, so I started to cry….You think this a lot worse than it looks, though It’s a simple kind of

Saul: Dude does that mean fuckin herpes?

Red: Yes,yeah yes it does.

Saul: Herpes… Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we’ve shared?

Red: Yes, I know, I’m a disgusting person.

Saul: Herpes is for life, bro!

Red: Yeah, well, I’m gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I’ve been taking Vicodin; that really doesn’t take down the swelling, though.

Saul: It’s from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper’s snatch! You wanted to do it!
Red: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What’d you do?

Saul: Nothing.

Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.

Saul: Fuck, you said you wouldn’t tell. You sold your own poison man

.

2.Red: Do you know what today is?

Saul: Tuesday.

Red: This is my cat’s birthday today.

Dale Denton: I don’t see a cat in here. I’m sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who’s the funny guy?

Dale Denton: I’m sorry?

Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.

Saul: Don’t worry, bro. Your cat’s going to heaven.

Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could’ve gone to hell.

3. Red: You don’t think I can handle danger?
Dale Denton: What are you talking about?
Saul: You can.(reassuringly)
Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you’re saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.
[He shows them his shaved armpits]
Red: You see this? You see that? There’s no hair under here, bro.
Dale Denton: What’s the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.

4.Saul: You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv?
Red: Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah! Hit it up, dude!
Red: [Red talking to Dale] There you go. Why don’t you just follow his lead and just chill out, man?
Dale Denton: I’m chill. I’m chill as a cucumber, man.
Red: You don’t seem chill.
Dale Denton: I’m more chill than you.
Red: You’re more chill than me?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Red: Look what I’m wearing. Kimono, dog. What’re you wearing?
Dale Denton: A suit.
Red: Yeah, exactly. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I don’t know if I like you.
Dale Denton: Well, I don’t know if I like you either, man.
Red: Well, that’s your loss ’cause I’m a great friend.

5.Red: Where you think you’re goin’, Mr. Wiggles? Get back here! Feisty!
Dale Denton: Saul, help! He’s punching my bum! He’s punching my bum! I’m done with this!
Red: No, you’re not. No, you’re not!
Dale Denton: Let’s try words! Use WORDS!

6. Red: [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what’s up, dudes?
Dale Denton: What’s up? Tell us everything now!
Saul: Talk, Red.
Red: I’m gonna flex and bust out of here.
[Red tries to bust out]
Saul: Trapped.
Dale Denton: It’s not happening, Red.

7. Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy’s name was Dale Denton. He’s obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather’s wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might’ve been a Jew. I don’t know. I don’t judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we’re friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y’all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You’re tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain’t seen anybody wear them since 1987-…
[Matheson shoots Red]
Budlofsky: Hey! How about a little fuckin’ discretion!
Matheson: What abo- you catch that? you see that? You use to not give a fuck about discretion. I seen’t you break somebody’s jawbone off! I SEEN’T it! You was ruthless man! ruthless!
Red: [coughing, after being shot] What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach! I’m gon’ die now probably! Man, I had y’all over for dinner – fish tacos! This how you do me?

8.Red: Man, I’m just into Buddhism, and I’m at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it’s a shell. It’s like, they go from one shell to the next. And that’s what I am. I’m just a hermit crab changin’ shells.

Dale Denton: Except if you’re a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you’re an asshole, you’re gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin’ anal bead, okay? If you’re a man and you act heroic, you’ll come back as an eagle. You’ll come back as a dragon. You’ll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.

Dale’s Girl’s House

 

1. Robert: You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street!
Dale Denton: No! Don’t fuck us anywhere!

School Yard

 

1.Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend… you didn’t say anything back.
Dale Denton: Well, that’s easy. It’s because we’re not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn’t sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn’t be here right now. I would be fantastic!
Saul: Oh.
Dale Denton: I’m sorry, that sounded really mean… just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
Saul: No, I see. The monkey’s out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That’s not even… a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can’t go back into the box – he only comes out.

2. Saul Silver: Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbie in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul Silver: She is really proud of me, and I’m gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I’m gonna become a civil engineer. I’m gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?

3.[Angie says that she wants to marry Dale]
Dale Denton: Uh, I’m looking for someone more mature.
Angie Anderson: *Mature?* I lost my virginity when I was fourteen; how many women have *you* slept with?
Dale Denton: Um, two and a half.
Angie Anderson: *A half?* What’s *a half,* your hand?
Dale Denton: There was this one time I dipped a ball in, I feel like a liar if I said 3

Ted’s Hideout

 

1.Matheson: I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!
Saul: You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man!
Budlofsky: Professional. Professional.
Saul: Professional on this, bitch!
Matheson: [to Saul] Whatever, man.
Matheson: [to Budlofsky] And where were you?
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: You’re supposed to be my partner!
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: No, you wasn’t there! How did this happen, then?
Saul: He’s got good reflexes, man.
Matheson: You know you gonna die right?
Saul: [sadly] Yeah…
Matheson: (to Saul) I’m gonna kill the fuck out you… I hope you enjoy these last… 17 minutes of your life… cause when Ted gets here, he’s gonna be like, ‘Kill that motha fucker, kill that motha fuckin ass’… watch your head!

Matheson: [to Budlosky] I may act tough, but i got a lot of feelings, and you hurt damn near everyone of them.

2. Dale Denton: You killed my ear!
Matheson: You shot me!
Dale Denton: I didn’t do that!
Matheson: HE shot me!
Dale Denton: You shot him?
Saul nods his head yes
Matheson: Get your hands off me!
Saul: Shut up! we’ve had enough of you!
Matheson: I’m not your friend!

3. Matheson: Shut the fuck up! Do you know what shut the fuck up mean?

[After Matheson kills Budlofsky for refusing to refusing to shoot Saul when he had the chance]

4.Matheson: (to Budlofsky) I knew you were going soft. Dinner’s gonna be cold tonight, asshole!

Matheson: (to Saul) SHUT THE FUCK UP! You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker? Huh? You need to set your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now!

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